There are many reasons why two loving people live in different cities or even countries. This is quite a serious test. According to statistics, such relationships can last 2-3 years, but no more. How can you maintain love at a distance for many years, and ideally, later move in together in one place? Read the advice of a psychologist below.
So, how to survive this period as painlessly as possible when you and your significant other are separated by kilometers. What exactly is the complexity of such relationships? The fact is that when you need your loved one so much, you cannot see him, receive his support and love. The most you can count on is a video call on Skype.
3.7% of Russian residents are in long-distance relationships, and in the United States - as much as 4.3%.
Many couples who have a “remote relationship” on the horizon cannot understand whether there is any point in maintaining them at all. Or it’s better not to create this kind of connection. To clarify this issue, the following aspects should be analyzed:
- How long have you known each other
- How close are you already?
- Did you have any plans for the future together?
- Is there a certain period for which you need to separate and how long is it?
In addition, some couples are never destined to survive separation, even if they would very much like to stay together. What does this depend on? There are 2 types of attachments.
- 1 type- called reliable. With this type of attachment, a person is confident in himself, can be alone without any problems, and does not depend on evaluations and constant confirmation of love for him. He also excels at maintaining a balance between intimacy and independence with his partner.
- Type 2– alarming. Such people endure separation from loved ones with great difficulty and need constant approval from their significant other. In a long separation, they feel lost. When their passion is far away, they begin to engage in self-criticism, and then they try to find shortcomings in their loved one and in relationships in general, thus destroying them. They literally go crazy in long-distance relationships. 600 couples were studied and it was found that if at least one of the partners belongs to the reliable type, then there is a chance of surviving the “remote relationship.”
What will help you:
The most important and at the same time banal advice from a psychologist to maintain a long-distance relationship is communication. Communicate and call each other as often as possible, preferably every day. Nowadays, it has become very easy to keep in touch with loved ones even over long distances.
Using the mobile Internet, you can chat online around the clock. Also, don’t forget about such a convenient messenger as Skype and make video calls more often to see your loved one and hear his intonation during a conversation.
- Take care of inexpensive communication
It is best if you have the opportunity to contact each other at any time. Skype on a smartphone, tablet or other free messenger will be very useful. This will create the feeling that you are not at all separated by kilometers of distance.
- Destructive properties of control
It is worth fully realizing that even in ordinary relationships, excessive control and forced reporting have a negative impact. And when you are separated by hundreds, thousands of kilometers, there is no room for mistrust. This will build a barrier between you and cool your feelings. And why do you need a person you can’t trust?
Exchange each other's cute trinkets to remind you of your significant other. It would be ideal if these things retain your scent. This little trick has a deep meaning. Remembering the smell of a loved one is necessary so that he remains close to us.
When the smell of a loved one is forgotten, it becomes alien to us. You seem to understand in your head that this is your loved one, but with your soul and body you no longer strive for him.
An unexpected plus
A clear positive aspect is the development of relationships into a deep connection when people begin to communicate at a distance. Scientists at Cornell University came to this conclusion.
The whole trick lies in the fact that “remote” couples are more willing to share with each other the smallest details of their lives, and also begin to appreciate every minute spent together live. On the contrary, ordinary couples often neglect this point.
Case study: To be or not to be?
“My husband and I have been living separately for a year now,” says Lera. “My husband was offered a lucrative contract in San Francisco, but I stayed in Moscow and periodically go to Berlin on business trips. At first it was very unusual without the usual shared life, scattered socks and an uncovered tube of toothpaste. I never would have thought that I would miss such things!)
There are also disadvantages that when one of us is sick, there is no one to take care of the partner or during other difficult periods you cannot provide proper support. But lately we have become noticeably closer. We chat on Skype for hours, discussing all the intimate little things in life. I would even say that this temporary break made our relationship deeper.”
- Do something interesting
To drown out the melancholy, it would be good to take up some new hobby. By doing new interesting work, you will immerse yourself in it and thus take your mind off sad thoughts.
- Meet as soon as possible more often
If possible, arrange regular meetings. Even if it’s once every six months. Plan them in advance and don’t put off what was planned. Since you can’t afford such meetings very often, it’s worth thinking through them carefully.
Of the two options: once every six months for two weeks and once a month for 2 days, the second would be preferable. Because in six months a lot of water will flow under the bridge, and even if you keep in touch by phone, you will feel a little like strangers.
- Don't skimp on compliments
This is a very important detail in relationships across kilometers. After all, when talking live, we convey our love not only with our voice, but also with gestures, facial expressions, glances, and we can hug a person. And when communicating on the phone, all we have left is intonation and an abundance of gentle adjectives. You could even call it baby talk.
Turn on your imagination and use the most unexpected tender words. If you do not use this opportunity, then your conversations will feel cold and distant. And don’t be afraid to overdo it; in this situation, the more, the better.
Express your feelings. Do not skimp on kind, warm words.
- Choose a meeting place on neutral territory
If we talk about the meeting place, then you can go to visit each other. Also a good option is on neutral territory. For example, she lives in St. Petersburg, and he lives in London, but you can meet in Berlin - a city that is somewhere in the middle between them both. This way, no one will have any complaints or grievances about why someone travels alone all the time or vice versa.
- If you haven't seen each other for a long time, don't expect too much from the meeting
Don’t expect bright, passionate scenes from a meeting after a long break, like they do in films. Still real life different from the movies. The longer you were apart, the more constrained you will feel in the company of your loved one. And again, the smell is to blame.
A person extracts only 2% of environmental information through smell. But in a relationship, this 2% plays a very important role. To feel a person as one of your own, you need to smell him, as they say. If your receptors don’t let you down and remember the familiar notes of the smell, then that’s great. But in the worst case, it may take some time.
- Do something together
Even while in different countries, you can find something to do together that will bring you closer. For example, going to the grocery store. Our modern world makes this possible. Connect to Skype and go. You can even cook the same meal for dinner. This advice, in addition to bringing you closer, will also eliminate the problem when you no longer know what to talk about. It seems that all the topics have already been discussed several times. And you will have another one.
What is not advisable to do:
- Don't provoke scandals
Try not to sort things out again and not start major quarrels. At a distance, such scandals are experienced more painfully. But don’t hold a grudge. If you keep something silent, your relationship will become colder.
- Don't cause jealousy and don't be jealous yourself
Jealousy doesn’t look good on ordinary relationships, but in long-distance love it’s simply deadly. If the partner has even the slightest hint of infidelity to the other half, then it’s all over. After all, you must admit, there is no point in maintaining a relationship with a person who is constantly not around, and even neglects fidelity.
Therefore, if any suspicious things happen in your hectic life, it is better not to tell your crush about it. Were you lucky enough to talk to a famous musician? Or did you hang out in a large group yesterday and a whole crowd of suitors lined up behind you? This, of course, brightened up your gray everyday life.
But if you seriously want to wait for your one and only, who is now far away, then under no circumstances should you let him in on these details. If we were talking about normal relationships, then there is nothing reprehensible in such actions. (Unless you were actually having fun with someone in the crowd, of course.)
But in remote work everything gets worse, so don’t spoil your lover’s nerves. And don’t overwhelm yourself with thoughts about his infidelities. You are in a position where you have to trust 100%. If there are no obvious signs of infidelity, then just throw all these thoughts out of your head.
Don't be jealous. Jealousy kills love, and long-distance jealousy turns relationships into a cycle of suspicion and excuses. If you are unable to forget about jealousy, then it is better to break up and not torment yourself and your partner.
- Don't overuse lies
From the previous point, you shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the main thing in a long-distance relationship is to come up with the perfect excuse. Why couldn’t you call me last night or didn’t finish something all the time? If a relationship is built on lies, it will not last long.
Sooner or later, everything secret becomes clear, even if your beloved is very far away.
To avoid ruining a long-distance relationship, don't lie to each other. When your loved one is far from you, there is a great temptation to leave something unsaid or embellish.
But if you allow yourself to lie, it will become a habit. And when you are already together, this habit will manifest itself, which will certainly bring disagreement to your relationship.
- Don't focus on the pain of separation
It is clear that this state of affairs is not the most rosy. But if you both decided to wait out this period of life and then move in together, then live it with dignity: no need to kill yourself, live life to the fullest.
Don’t make a temple out of your boyfriend’s photos and things in your apartment, don’t spend all your evenings sad and thinking about him. Better go somewhere with your friends or do something useful. Otherwise, in a month or two you will already be thinking about your lover with disgust. Yes Yes exactly. Because our brain is designed in such a way that it tries to avoid negativity. And by behaving like a mummy in a museum, you become fixated on suffering.
Remember, even though your chosen one is currently far from you, life did not stop until the moment you met. It continues and you need to learn to live life to the fullest without your loved one.
If you indulge in despondency and melancholy, then sooner or later you will want to move away from the person who brings you so much suffering.
- If you have a choice, say no to long-distance relationships.
Choose the lesser of two evils. If you really care about this person, maybe you should think about living together? Even despite your career, studying in a prestigious place, or perhaps doing the impossible? For example, go to another country together.
With a foreigner
Try to find commonality in your views and customs. Such exotic things as appearance, language, and manner of dressing intrigue and attract only the first time. But starting a family and raising children is always easier with an understandable and similar person. Try to study the culture, traditions, not to mention the language, in order to seem like “your” person. Do not use contrasts such as “with us” and “with you” too often.
Stories, experiences, reviews
Are “distant” relationships doomed to failure?
Tatiana and David
I am from Odessa, he is from London. Both lived for six months in Thailand, where they met. When I had to return to my home countries, difficulties arose.
First of all, we really missed you. I didn’t even think that it was possible to become so attached to a person. Since I had not been in a serious relationship for 5 years before, I had already forgotten what attachment to a person is.
Secondly, it was difficult and unusual to live sometimes together, sometimes apart. As soon as you establish a common life together, it’s time to leave. We have been living this way for 3 years now and have not yet decided which country to move in to.
In the UK, life is expensive, in Ukraine you need to know the language, but David doesn’t know it. Thailand doesn't really suit us either. We are currently thinking about this. The only thing that has already been definitely determined is that we will be together. So don’t believe other people’s words and slander that a long-distance relationship is impossible for a long time, and even with a foreigner.
Oksana and Alexander
We met Sasha in Moscow at a nightclub. Immediately a deep feeling arose within us. The more we communicated, the better we understood each other. Neither I nor he had such spiritual closeness before. But it turned out that he had been working permanently in Amsterdam for 2 years and things were going well for him there.
My career as a journalist in Moscow was also taking off. Therefore, we decided to communicate between countries. Of course, it was not easy, but our love supported us. We got married and our daughter Eva was born. Right now I am already preparing documents to move to Amsterdam. I was lucky to find a suitable job there too.
Many couples were able to survive this difficult test and even strengthen their bond. Therefore, you can do it too. If you are having difficulty applying these tips on your own, you can seek individual advice and consideration of your specific situation.
More and less happy relationships are based on certain components, such as: compatibility (psychological, physiological, emotional, etc.), a common worldview, and preferably a common geography. But it often happens that a couple has to live in two cities or countries, or a guy and a girl meet at a distance and this relationship begins to develop.
How do relationships develop at a distance?
Psychologists identify 4 main stages of long-distance relationships.
The period of falling in love in a long distance relationship
When a wave of emotional euphoria and a feeling of lightness comes over you, all thoughts are about the person you like. You call or write to this person, communicate with him, there is a feeling as if this person reads all your thoughts, feels you and your mood. This is a time of spiritual inspiration, getting to know each other, showing mutual interest in everything that happens in the life of another person.
At the beginning of a long-distance relationship, for example, dating and falling in love over the Internet or telephone, people make the mistake of falling in love with an image they have invented, and not with a real person. But the image and the real person can be radically different. There may be a gap between your expectations and the actual person.
At the stage of dating and further development of long-distance relationships, try to study the person’s personality from all possible sides. To do this, start conversation topics with him where you could get the most detailed opinion about his views on life.
Ask questions that will help you form an opinion about his worldview. Pay attention to his subjective assessment of a particular action or situation described by him or you.
In order not to be disappointed in a long-distance relationship, try not to trust too much the words of a person whom you have not seen before and do not know how this person really lives. This will protect you a little from mental and other traumas that may arise in a long-distance relationship.
Long-distance relationships often test mutual expectations.
Here the foundation of future relationships is laid and the grinding of characters begins. The main goal of this stage of a long-distance relationship is the coincidence of intimate instincts and the emergence of an emotional spiritual connection.
It’s good if at this stage of the relationship you can spend maximum of your time together. Then you will be able to get to know each other for real, and not based on some invented images, and find out all your intentions for the future. At this stage of a long-distance relationship, either the image of a happy future together is laid down, or it is not laid down at all.
Difficulties at this stage of a long distance relationship
In any relationship, people receive 70-80% of information non-verbally, reading some information about a person from “body language”, and not based on words.
In a long-distance relationship, it turns out that you lose up to 80% of information about each other and “know” each other only 20%. Not recognizing each other due to emotional closeness that may manifest itself when you meet. The reasons for such closeness may be unsuccessful past experiences in relationships or if the invented image did not coincide with the real person
Excessive expectations or mismatch of expectations. An example of such beyond expectations could be your idea of the emergence of magical love at first sight, and marriage proposals, without really understanding your feelings.
Even at this stage of a long-distance relationship, there is always a fear of uncertainty, when everything is fine now, but what will happen next when we separate? After the first time together, a long-distance relationship developed and became established in a certain form, for example, a man goes to see a woman once a month in her city, sometimes once every half a year.
Or long-distance relationships did not work out due to psychological, sexual, emotional, cultural incompatibility and a crisis in the relationship has already begun.
But it also happens that it is at this stage that a couple can get married. If the concept of a joint future appears and at first everything is really good, there is absolute fidelity, there is deep trust, there is an understanding of each other’s emotional needs, love, care, tenderness and attention. But the couple continues to live in two cities and their meetings are rare.
During the first year of such long-distance relationships, love is supported by psychological inertia and the relationship is still very strong, but after a year, internal conflict begins to grow in such long-distance relationships.
Long-distance relationships and the inevitable increase in internal conflict
Long-distance relationships are torn apart from the inside by the very nature of these relationships. Both partners drag their feet on resolving the issue of a joint geographical location and, as a result, the problematic nature of their relationship grows and intensifies, and internal discontent begins to accumulate in the couple.
The concept of a shared future begins to gradually be undermined by time, weakened and destroyed.
Some couples solve almost all problems by having sex. In a long-distance relationship, this is simply impossible, so all mutual conflicts do not receive emotional release. The internal problematic nature of these relations is growing.
The main principles of any relationship, especially marital relationships, are value and community. In a long-distance relationship, the value of your loved one gradually begins to fade (after all, there are many others around you), and your once huge psychological community also begins to gradually weaken.
In long-distance relationships, distrust of the partner often arises. This mistrust is reinforced by mutual monitoring and attempts to track the location of a loved one.
Cooling and crisis in long distance relationships
A crisis in a long-distance relationship could arise in the second and third stages of this relationship. However, at the fourth stage this crisis is almost inevitable, namely in 95% of cases a crisis occurs. The crisis accumulates gradually over three years of a long-distance relationship.
The quality of this crisis depends on the psychological literacy of the man and woman, on the number of psychological mistakes made by both partners and on the degree of sexual tension that gradually increases in a long-distance relationship.
Mistakes of lovers in long-distance relationships
Couples often make typical mistakes during the crisis stage of a long-distance relationship. Instead of coming together to solve the problems that have arisen in the relationship in order to be happier in the future, the most severe criticism of the other person’s personality is turned on.
Both partners do not understand that in this situation it is not you personally or the other person who is to blame, but the very logic of developing long-distance relationships, which leads most couples to exactly this scenario.
Basically, it is not your individual actions or misdeeds that are criticized, but your entire personality. The classic phrases are heard: “You have always been like this, are and will be!”, In addition to this, mutual absurd, delusional accusations are heard.
Of course, sexual betrayal is not accidental here either. When meeting, partners do not feel the desire to hug each other, but an unnatural feeling of constraint, emotional instability, body language becomes “cold”, that is, closed postures appear.
Don't get too hopeful about the exclusivity of your long-distance relationship. The vast majority of long-distance relationships, if the man and woman do not move in together and start living together within 2-3 years, are doomed to collapse.
Over the course of three years of a long-distance relationship, you come to understand that such a relationship is wrong, at least you understand that it cannot be like this all your life.
The very logic of long-distance relationships leads most couples to separation. Therefore, in order to maintain a long-distance relationship, it is necessary to make these relationships as short-term as possible.
You should try to preserve long-distance relationships in cases where your husband leaves for a short period of time on a business trip, for example. To preserve your feelings when your relationship is at a distance for some time, communicate more often, share everything that is happening in your life, and emotions too, be patient and tune in to wait.
The mindset that your separation should only be beneficial for your relationship will help you with this. But if you are already in a long-distance relationship, and both understand that you are made for each other, then don’t waste your time, start living together and be happy!
If, during a long separation, a person realized that he was very bored and wanted to maintain the same passion in the relationship, then he must follow simple recommendations. We must try to communicate more often and more. You should discuss each other's daily concerns. You can try to do something together: watch an interesting movie or TV program and discuss what you saw. You should not be shy about talking about your feelings and experiences.
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An important condition for maintaining a relationship is complete trust in your partner. There is no need to try to control his every move, this will harm the relationship.
Features of long distance relationships
The reason for a long separation can be various circumstances: studying abroad, a new position at work in another city or country, military service, urgent matters related to the health of a relative, and others. You should take into account the fact that a long-distance relationship is different from the usual relationship of a couple in love.
Experience shows that the main difficulty is the lack of tactile contact. If in ordinary life a girl shows her feelings with kisses, gentle touches to a young man, then at a distance this can only be done with the help of voice timbre, intonation, words.
Communication via telephone and the Internet limits the transmission of one's feelings in non-verbal ways. “Smileys” and punctuation marks cannot convey what can be said with a look, gesture, facial expression, body movement; one cannot see the reaction of a loved one to a girl’s words. This contributes to the distance between lovers.
At a distance, the feeling of mistrust intensifies, as it becomes almost impossible to control the partner.
But this shouldn’t be done, since a person cannot constantly sit on Skype and communicate with a girl. A loved one should have personal space. He needs to meet friends, communicate with colleagues.
In a long separation and distance from each other, qualities of character that were not previously noticeable in a partner may appear. These are both positive and negative traits.
How to communicate with a man so that he is always interested
How to support love?
Long-distance relationships can both strengthen feelings and passion between lovers, and cause separation. To build long-term, strong relationships, you need to learn to overcome life’s difficulties and adversities together. Preserving feelings in a situation where you don’t see your lover is not easy, but it is quite possible. Simple tips and recommendations will help in this situation:
- 1. It is impossible to build a relationship without complete confidence in your partner. If you constantly control a man and try to catch him cheating, this will only worsen an already difficult situation. If a man has stopped writing, then this is not a reason to suspect him of anything. Unreasonable jealousy can lead to betrayal.
- 2. You need to communicate with a man when you really want to talk. You shouldn't do it just because you have to. This is what will harm the relationship. Nothing bad will happen if a young man spends one evening with friends.
- 3. Intimacy is extremely important for a strong relationship. A long separation deprives this opportunity. But a girl needs to support a man’s sexual interest in every possible way. We must make sure that the man thinks only about his beloved and wants to return to her as soon as possible.
- 4. Even when you are apart, you need to build relationships the same way as in ordinary life, maintain a common life, discuss the events of the past day with your boyfriend.
- 5. Communication with your loved one should be easy and pleasant. To do this, you can ask him for advice or ask for help. The psychology of men is such that it is important for them to feel needed. But there is no need to ask for something that he cannot do at a distance.
- 6. To diversify your relationship with your partner, you should build joint plans and prospects. This unites a couple in love and helps them survive temporary difficulties. To begin with, you can discuss how the young man and the girl want to spend the day of their future meeting.
- 7. Don’t be shy to talk about your thoughts, feelings, desires. The lack of such frank conversations becomes the main reason for misunderstanding in relationships.
- 8. Romance will help preserve feelings. You can make some pleasant surprise even from a distance. For example, write a poem, sing a song on Skype, draw a beautiful picture, then scan it and send it to your loved one.
- 9. You should respect each other's personal space. You need to be careful with surprises. If a girl decides to unexpectedly come to her beloved, then she must be absolutely sure that he is not busy and will be able to pay attention to her.
Difficulties can happen at any time. In order to survive them, you should learn to cope with them together, even at a distance. Otherwise, the relationship will be doomed to break.
The big one can be seen from afar. Your pure love also looks great from there. An article about how to maintain and even improve relationships while maintaining distance.
Text: Danila Maslov
Illustrations: Alexander Kotlyarov
Learn to compliment a telephone receiver
Don’t be afraid to overdo it with sentimental nonsense and even, let’s not be afraid of this word, with baby talk in telephone conversations. The fact is that during a normal conversation, a considerable part of your positive attitude towards your interlocutor is conveyed by facial expression, gaze, gestures and intonation. Telephone communication eats up all this, and therefore a person speaking in his usual manner seems much colder and more distant than he really is. So feel free to give the green light to all the pussies, masikas and little pussies who dare to sneak into your speech. The main thing is to try not to be caught by your friends and colleagues doing this. Another well-known management consultant, author of a manual on telephone etiquette, Alain MacKenzie, noted that it is advisable to fence off secretaries at the reception with a soundproof shield, since “exaggeratedly kind voices and expressions, which competent operators use quite sensibly, cause a feeling of falsehood and irritation among other employees.”
Provide yourself with 24/7 free communication
If you buy a microphone and download a free program like Ventrilo or Teamspeak, you can stay in touch around the clock and almost free of charge, even if half the planet separates you. The effect of presence is amazing - you get the feeling that the person is in the same apartment with you. You can further technologicalize the process by using a video camera. But it’s still better to do without it: the feeling that you are constantly being watched is not so much touching as it is annoying.
Meet more often in neutral territories
She lives in Vladivostok - you live in Istanbul. Why not make an appointment in Helsinki next time? This way, none of you will be ashamed of secret thoughts on the topic “Yeah, he flies when he wants, and let me sit and wait until he deigns to appear.” Or: “Is all this worth the endless back and forth, these damn planes, lack of sleep and crazy money, if I don’t seem to be too happy here?” And in a place that is unusual for both of you, you will have equal playing conditions: no “hosts” and “guests”. On the contrary, you will not only be equalized, but also incredibly brought closer together by the joint struggle for survival in an attempt to figure out how to say “one piece of clean pillowcase pliz-pliz-pliz” in Finnish.
Try to be clearer to her
The exoticism of tastes, language and appearance excites only at first. In the future, these charming dissimilarities (namaz at three in the morning, refusal to take off the sombrero even at night), on the contrary, discourage. Still, for reproduction, we try to select a partner of the same species as us... If you want to continue a relationship with a charming foreigner, cry, but learn her language, no matter how many syllables the word “sex” consists of. Avoid constant opposition between “you” and “ours” - let her understand that you, by and large, are a guy like everyone else. Simply better.
« I am the only girl I know who waited for a guy from the army. I wrote to him every day for two years. And I also kept a diary so that when he arrived he could read it. And then a completely stranger appears, who non-stop has pretty nasty sex with me and swears. Surviving the meeting turned out to be more difficult than the separation »
Don't expect too much from a meeting after a long break
Yes, if you're lucky, you will fall into each other's arms - and thousands of silver canaries will sing about the strength of your feelings. But the canaries may not have a voice - you should be prepared for this in advance. And it’s not even that during your separation she managed to cut her hair like Bob Dylan and get sapphire braces. What is more important is what you and she can smell through your nose. A person receives only 2% of information about the world around him from smell, but these 2% are decisive when it comes to intimacy (in this case, the word “intimate” means not only “sexual” - such tricks sometimes happen with this term). In order to feel incredibly like this girl in a miniskirt, you need to take a good sniff of her after separation (and she of you, by the way, too). If the receptors are able to recognize familiar smells, you are lucky. If the receptors pretend to be sclerotic, it will be more difficult. The shorter the separation, the greater the chance that the pheromone portrait of the partner was not written off as unnecessary and after several days of painful memories everything will go as before.
Be prepared for other difficulties
Passionate sex after separation can also turn out quite dull, if it turns out at all. That is, it is not a fact that it will not be great, but the chances of this are less than we would like. Firstly, and here vile receptors will come to the rescue, which will not know how to classify the smell of the body lying nearby: it clearly does not attract a new unexpected passion, but the sweet moment of recognition also does not seem to happen. You need to take a time out to think... Secondly, high expectations and a period of long abstinence (let's be idealists!) for both partners will play a role. To minimize the risk of a fiasco, it's best to maintain as much physical contact as possible before you end up in bed. Holding hands, walking in an embrace and other calf tenderness will come in handy here: they will weaken the barrier of detachment and help cope with possible excessive anxiety.
« For a little over a year I had an amazing romance with a Swiss man. We communicated using international words and waving hands. We met at least once a month - in all parts of the world, from Moscow to Morocco. And then I foolishly sat down to learn French and began to understand it. And all the fun ended. Because he carried the blizzard non-stop... »
Don't make her jealous
Jealousy often spoils happy unions, sometimes making them even stronger, but when it comes to long-distance relationships, it turns into pure, unalloyed poison. These relationships can only be built on absolute trust and absolute lies. Any hostage to a million-mile romance is forced to take his partner’s word for it, since he has no way to control him. In such a hopeless situation, a person usually subconsciously takes measures of self-preservation, namely: he is filled with a deep and indestructible confidence that a distant lover is a miracle of morality. This is the only justification for a painfully lonely life in a mode of eternal waiting. “I’m sitting by the window, I haven’t gone anywhere, I’m still waiting for his ship to appear.” And as a result, liberties that can be taken when communicating with a partner who is always nearby are completely unacceptable here. You shouldn’t tell us how you had lunch with your ex, how “Miss Anapa” flirted with you, and how you dropped into a strip club with foreign colleagues (boring stuff!). No, you can do all this, but God forbid you tell such a wonderful truth to the heroine, who spent at least two of the last seven Fridays at home alone, re-reading your letters (so-so entertainment, you understand).
Jealousy, which cannot be controlled, turns into such exquisite torture that self-cooling mechanisms are activated. If partners in a long-distance relationship have doubts about the fidelity and true affection of the second partner, then such a relationship is almost certainly doomed.
It's better to meet once a month than once every six months for a week.
Psychologists have such a term - “mutual recognition - the ability of a person to receive pleasure from the fact that he receives any information about another person, and the friendly attitude towards this person that arises as a result of the accumulation of such information.” So, mutual recognition is a very long process that lasts a lifetime. The love of a mother for her child, family and friendships is built on it. But in order for recognition to be successful, it must be more or less continuous. Nature made sure that we were able to forget what we love, and she did it very harshly.
A 5-6 month old child forgets his mother in 3-4 weeks, a 2 year old child remembers her in 2-3 months. The older we get, the longer pauses in communication we are capable of without losing its quality. Nevertheless, we also have our own limits - each one is individual. Six months of separation is already close to the average critical mark. Usually, within six months, even spouses who have lived together for several decades internally reconcile with the departure or death of a partner.
« For two years I was the bride of a German musician, there was terrible love. But I couldn’t move to him permanently; I had to finish my studies here. In the end, he married his Christina, whom we always went to visit when I visited. Because Christina is always here, and I am always there. I didn’t mind, I already had Andrey too »
Don't turn your life into a waiting room
You can, of course, give up all the joys of life, build an altar at home from her linen and photographs, honestly languish in separation and spend long nights looking at “your” star, which she, perhaps, also just looked at. But the more diligently you keep yourself in a state of languor, the faster it will all end. Your psyche is not ironclad: if it decides that you are too actively terrorizing it, it will take retaliatory actions. And you yourself won’t notice how the sight of your girlfriend’s tiny slippers, her name and the sound of her voice on the phone will suddenly turn from sacred relics into things that surprisingly irritate you... The whole point is that we are poorly equipped for suffering, and the factors those that make us worry beyond measure quickly move into the category of undesirables.
« I had an affair with an extreme athlete who was always leaving. Now I think that I should have given up everything and wandered around the Tien Shan and Karakum regions with him - this would have been the only way to maintain the relationship. They say about the wives of sailors - they are accustomed to this. In coastal cities, all local traditions are designed for women to live on their own, and men sometimes return to visit them. If you don’t consider this way of life normal since childhood, you will never get used to it »
If you have the option of not having a long distance relationship, don't have it.
And if you really value this relationship, drop everything and go to her. Or grab the young lady and drag her to you. Work, home, friends - all of this can be sorted out. Some sailed to America with one nail and a jar of strawberry jam in their pocket - and nothing, they became governors. Still, long-distance relationships are not at all for strong feelings, as for some reason it is commonly believed. Rather, on the contrary: they are much more pleasant and unpretentious with an almost complete absence of any feelings at all.
In this article, I will give you five tips on how to maintain a long-distance relationship - advice from a psychologist that is suitable for both men and women. The article is equally suitable for those whose relationships have been going on for a long time and those whose relationships began recently. True, provided that the relationship already has a stable foundation - they know each other well, can talk about everything and there are real deep feelings between them. I also want to note that people of any age will be able to find suitable recommendations in this article.
The main condition, without which a long-distance relationship is impossible, is serious intentions on the part of both partners to preserve their love. This is the desire of both to make every effort so as not to lose the beautiful thing that was between them before the forced separation.
If you can confidently say that this condition is met in your relationship, then it makes sense for you to read the suggested tips and find out how to maintain a long-distance relationship. After all, when there is a strong, sincere desire, the means to fulfill it will always be found.
So, how to maintain a long-distance relationship, advice from a psychologist.
Just a couple of decades ago, people were much less likely to maintain long-distance relationships. After all, they could not maintain communication every day, despite the kilometers between them. It’s different now - you can call and see each other on Skype all day long! Modern technologies every day save thousands of people on the planet from divorces and separations. Take advantage of this wonderful opportunity.
There's also a good way to check how your relationship is holding up. Agree to call each other via Skype or phone at a certain time every day. Or, for example, write text messages to each other “ Good morning" And " Good night" If one of the partners, for some reason, misses this ritual not for the first time, it means the relationship has weakened. Because if work or something else turns out to be more important than your “long-distance meetings” more than once for your partner, you, unfortunately, will not be able to prolong this relationship for long.
A long-distance relationship is a lot of work, and the game is only worth the candle if you both madly, incredibly want to reach the end of this game. And in the end we will meet again and live happily together.
Perhaps trust and honesty are the two main pillars on which long-distance relationships, and indeed any relationship in general, rest. But when relationships take place at a distance, it becomes much more difficult to trust. Without being able to verify what our partner is doing and with whom, we begin to doubt him and suspect him of something. And then we look for confirmation of our doubts. And guess what? Who seeks will always find.
For example, a woman was forced to leave the city for a while. And I accidentally heard from a friend that she had seen her husband with someone else. A woman can, without even asking her husband, immediately draw thousands of pictures in her head about how he is cheating on her. And decide: “Well, it’s time to file for divorce.”
If the main values in a relationship are honesty and trust, such a situation will not arise. Firstly, most likely, the husband will tell his wife in advance about who he communicates with and on what issues. Secondly, in a relationship where people trust each other, the wife will not listen to what her friend says about her husband. She will hear, but will not succumb to emotions, because she is confident in her beloved. If she hasn't heard from him yet about the woman her friend saw him with, she'll calmly ask her husband and make sure there's nothing to worry about.
Being in a long-distance relationship can make it especially difficult to maintain trust. You cannot be one hundred percent sure where your partner is, and this confidence becomes even more precarious when you do not see each other at all and only learn about everything from your partner’s words. Therefore, trust and sincerity in long-distance relationships are especially valuable, because only by trusting will you be able to remain calm, which means that you can communicate normally with your partner without the risk of ruining the relationship.
Under no circumstances pretend that everything is fine. Discuss everything with each other possible problems. If you suspect your partner of cheating or it seems to you that he has begun to treat you differently, just tell him about it.
If you have resistance to this advice, you may be in the role of a victim in a relationship. Check this out by reading about victim syndrome.
So, talk to your partner about everything, without holding anything back. Be honest with him. Complete openness in communication plus trust is the key to a happy, mature relationship. Even if they are at a distance.
Be honest with yourself. Answer yourself sincerely whether you really truly love your partner, and whether he truly loves you.
Answer these questions honestly: What will you do if you miss the physical presence of your partner? When will you be lonely? What will you do with physical needs and desires? Can you resist temptations? Are you ready to make every effort for this? What about your partner? Is he ready to go through these obstacles?
Answer all these questions to yourself first. Then mentally translate them to your partner and answer yourself honestly as well. How do you think he would answer these questions?
The third step is to talk openly with your loved one about this topic. By finding answers to the main questions together, you will be able to understand whether you are both ready for a long-distance relationship. Is it worth it, will you be able to keep your love? Yours are associated with a lack of certainty. But when you both have a clear understanding of “what will happen if...”, all worries and doubts will disappear on their own. Fear exists where there is no certainty and no plan of action. Having a plan of action will free you from fear and fill you with confidence.
As a psychologist, during my practice I realized that the basis of any happy relationship is, first of all, a happy relationship with yourself. We are always in a relationship with a partner in the place that we assign to ourselves. And in order for you to build a relationship filled with love and respect, first you need to learn to love and respect yourself. In order for you to succeed, I have been collecting tasks and exercises aimed at self-love for several months and collected them in a single book, “How to Love Yourself.” You can purchase it using this link at a symbolic cost of 99 rubles. This book consists entirely of practical tasks and exercises, by doing which you can increase your self-esteem, become more confident and learn to love yourself.
Surprises and gifts will help keep long-distance relationships healthy. For example, order a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her work or write him a letter by hand, sending it by regular, pigeon mail. Gifts are especially appreciated when you are separated by distance. Your partner will smile and feel a part of you when looking at a gift or re-reading a letter that you also recently held in your hands. And if it also smells like your perfume, he will simply go crazy with happiness.
Pleasant surprises from your loved one will give you confidence that he does not forget about you and is looking forward to meeting you just as much as you. This will help your feelings not fade away and will make it easier to wait for the meeting. About what other ways there are to create harmonious, healthy, warm love relationships, read about the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman.
Use every opportunity, even the slightest, to see each other. Come to your loved one, and if you can’t come yourself, buy him a ticket to come to you. Or meet in the middle. Do everything in your power to see each other as often as possible, and then you will get through time at a distance faster and easier.
Spontaneous trips will spur your relationship again and again, because they will be accompanied by hot hugs, bright emotions and an amazing opportunity to finally see your loved one! Make each such meeting unforgettable and, fueled by sweet memories, the time apart will fly by.
Depending on the reason why you had to separate for a while, you may experience different emotions and states during separation. It could be anxiety or... But by adhering to the suggested tips, it will be easier for you to survive the breakup, and the negative emotions associated with it will be easier to live through, and it will be easier to maintain the relationship.
Objective view, help and support
The methods suggested in the article really work and are effective, and they can help your relationship pass the test of distance. But you can only individually understand your situation and understand what exactly your couple needs for a happy and long-term relationship with a specialist.
I am a psychologist and provide individual consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand your relationship, I will help you solve problems caused by distance, and I will also help you understand what exactly in your relationship can serve as a solid foundation so that it can stand the test of time and distance. you can find more information to get to know me better.
in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work.
What about sex?
Many do not believe in the success of long-distance relationships due to the inability to satisfy their physical needs, due to the lack of regular intimacy.
Perhaps it is really not easy, and for some it may seem impossible, to be away from your partner for a long time and at the same time remain faithful to him.
But at the beginning of the article, I mentioned that I am writing for those couples in which both partners consciously love and are in awe of what is between them. And between them there are relationships that claim to be strong and long-term, mature and conscious. Such relationships are characterized by love, intimacy, open communication and the ability to talk about everything, interest in each other’s lives, the desire to please your partner, the desire for the partner to develop. All these features are the key to a mature relationship. And people in mature relationships are able to not only carry love through time and distance, but also remain faithful to each other.
Both men and women have physical needs. They may manifest themselves in different ways, but they have one way of implementation. If you want to know why mature relationships don't tolerate cheating, and why even an "innocent" fling that no one will ever know about will actually change your relationship once and for all, take a look movie about how even the thought of it can change absolutely everything between you. Having decided to cheat, sooner or later you will feel that the relationship has become different. And rest assured, your partner will feel it too. This will be the beginning of the end.
How much you value what you have between you is an indicator of whether you can handle a long-distance relationship.
The advice given in the article will help you remain faithful only if you yourself want it and are ready to do anything for your happiness. If you are ready to carry your love through time and distance.
Conclusion
Let's summarize. Long distance relationships are possible, and even more so, they can be wonderful if you follow the tips offered in this article. And if you want to know what will happen to your relationship if you don't follow these tips, take a look This movie. It shows what happens to even the strongest love if it stretches across the ocean and does not receive any reinforcements in the form of pleasant surprises, regular communication, daily rituals, honesty and trust.
Communicate as often as possible, text, call each other. Create your own rituals, for example, daily text messages at the same time, as well as evening sex on Skype.
Be honest and open with your partner, as well as with yourself. Don't be fooled if you suddenly start to feel like something is wrong. Time will still put everything in its place; it will not let you deceive yourself for long.
I wish you to safely survive the period of a long-distance relationship and live together until old age! Trust. This is the only way to remain calm, not to be jealous and not to seek confirmation of your suspicions. Don’t try to find dirt on your partner, but instead talk to him more often sincerely and openly. This makes it much easier and safer to find out about everything.
Give surprises and gifts. Surprise. This is the best way to touch each other while being thousands of kilometers away.
Lastly, take every opportunity to see each other. If your relationship is healthy and mature, if there is love in it, then you both will want to see each other as often as possible.
I believe that if you both truly want it with all your hearts, then you can wait! When the desire is sincere, and even more so if two people want it, and they want it with equal strength, then no obstacles can prevent them from doing so.
I hope you understand how to maintain a long-distance relationship using the advice of a psychologist. I understand that situations may vary, and some of the recommendations given in the article may not apply to your case. I wish you to get through this period in your relationship safely.
And don't forget to purchase my book How to Love Yourself. Using this link you can purchase it at a symbolic cost of 99 rubles. In it, I share the most effective techniques with which I once raised my self-esteem, became confident and loved myself. This book will help you both in working with yourself and in relationships. As a psychologist, during my practice I became convinced that a favorable decision for any life task starts with self-love. And this especially applies to relationships - how much you love yourself directly determines how much your partner loves you.
I am a psychologist, and relationships are one of the main areas of my work. If you need individual help in working on long-distance relationships or with your personal problems, you can contact me for psychological help. I will help you make your relationship harmonious and long-term, despite the obstacles.
You can make an appointment with me for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read and leave reviews about me and my work.
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Main -love.
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova
